PLEASE NOTE: Where lyrics/dialogue differ between the recordings and script, the script should be considered correct.
ACT 1
Scene 1
The tiny Yorkshire village of Little Wherever. Morning. Bright. Several villagers appear, getting on with their lives in chaotic fashion; heading to work, opening shops, sweeping roads, getting morning papers, but all sense of calm seems to have been removed from the morning. Mrs Dumpling [Mrs D] stands in the midst of it like the unnervingly steady person who operates the waltzers at a fairground, suitcase in hand.
#1 THERE'S A WELCOME IN THE AIR
MRS D
WELL, HERE’S A WELCOME SIGHT
NOTHING’S NEW, NO NOTHING CHANGES
IT’S LIKE I LEFT IT YESTERDAY
CRUMP
Have those papers arrived yet?
THORPE
Not yet!
MRS D
CAN’T WAIT TO PUT THINGS RIGHT
FRIENDLY HUGS AND WARM EXCHANGES
GET THINGS UNDERWAY
CRUMP
Well, tell ‘em they’re late!
THORPE
I think they know!
MRS D
RESTORED MY APPETITE
FEELING LIKE A BRAND-NEW PERSON
THIS WAS A LONG TIME OVERDUE
BARNFIELD
The pipe’s leaking in’t cellar!
HARRY
Again?
MRS D
EQUIPPED FOR EVERY FIGHT
NEW IMPROVED AND VITAL VERSION
DUMPLING VOLUME TWO!
GOOD MORNING!
EVERY VILLAGER SEEMS TO BE UP AGAINST IT, AS THOUGH THEIR
LIVES ARE SPIRALLING OUT OF CONTROL. NO-ONE IS WHERE THEY
SHOULD BE OR NEEDS TO BE.
CRUMP
WHERE’S THE DAIRY’S VAN? – I NEED THOSE CHEESES…
BARNFIELD
CALL A MAINT’NANCE MAN, I DON’T CARE WHO!
VILLAGERS
WHY’S EVERY DAY SUCH A TURBULENT TO-DO?
MRS D
(Humorously, realising they haven't seen her)
I said Good Morning…
SUDDENLY THEY NOTICE HER STANDING THERE AND ITS AS THOUGH
TIME FREEZES. JAWS HIT THE FLOOR. THEY ALL LOOK, AT ONCE, MESMERISED
AND THRILLED. MRS D JUST SMILES.
THORPE
BLOW ME BITS AND BOBS! I THOUGHT WE’D LOST YA’…
CRUMP
RUN AND SLICE THE COBS, ‘COZ LOOK WHO’S BACK!
HARRY
EARLY CLOSE TODAY – AND DON’T YOU MIND WHAT THAT’LL COST YA’
VILLAGERS
THIS’LL MORE THAN PAY
ALL OUR LIVES ARE BACK ON TRACK
BARNFIELD
2, 3, 4!
VILLAGERS
YOU’RE STILL THE HEART OF OUR COMMUNITY
JUST LIKE THE CREAM IN MRS CRUMP’S ECLAIR
BREAK OUT THE BUNTING AND THE OLD BRASS BAND
THERE’S A WELCOME IN THE AIR…
YES! WE’RE DECLARING WITH IMPUNITY
NOW THE GOOD SHIP’S CAPTAIN’S BACK ON THE BRIDGE
WE’LL FIND A DROP OF SOMETHING NICE IN THE FRIDGE
WHILE THE NEWS SPREADS EVERYWHERE
CRUMP
Wherever have you been all this time?
MRS D
Oh, that’ll wait for another day, Mrs Crump
THORPE
But we were all so worried
MRS D
Well, I did tell you not to be. I had things to sort, is all.
BARNFIELD
You’ve been gone for so long!
CRUMP
We’d started to think you might be gone f’good!
ARKWRIGHT
What’ve you been sorting exactly?
MRS D
All right, simmer down! I’ve been doing a thing.
THORPE
(A thought strikes her, a beat before singing)
Oooooh!
WILL YOU BE FREE TONIGHT?
BARNFIELD
(Explaining) Bridge Club - Mrs Wright’ll come and fetch you…
THORPE
WE’VE GOT A MATCH AT HALF PAST EIGHT
MRS D
I’ll be there
CRUMP
YOU’RE SUCH A WELCOME SIGHT!
(Hurried, desperate) We’re just having a bit of trouble with the logistics of
the Summer Fete …getting it all…you know…not…you know…
MRS D
If you could give me a moment, I’ll…
POSTMAN
(Casually wandering past)
PARCEL IN YOUR PORCH
MRS D
You closed t’door after you?
POSTMAN
Course!
MRS D
NEW BERMUDA SHORTS?
POSTMAN
Off to that Ibiza with Gloria - wish me luck!
VILLAGERS
PLEASE! ON OUR KNEES! WE COULD USE YOUR FINEST THOUGHTS
CRUMP
(Explaining) Half o’t village fete’s not organised yet!
MRS D
But it’s this weekend!
ARKWRIGHT
All right Sherlock!
MRS D
You heard that, then? (Reluctantly) What d’ya need?
HUTSTABLE
Pins for the bowls
BARNFIELD
Nets for the goals
CRUMP
Onions, ham and cheese for the rolls
HUTSTABLE
Cloths for the stalls
BARNFIELD
Pumps for the balls
CRUMP
The face-through frame of George in his smalls
ARKWRIGHT
(Embarrassed) That’s in my garage
MRS D
WHEN D’YOU NEED IT BY?
CRUMP
How’s Thursday f’ya’?
MRS D
WHO’S YOUR NEW SUPPLY?
CRUMP
(Nervously) Arthur Bunton
KNOW YOU WON’T BE CHUFFED
MRS D
I GO AWAY YOU FALL TO PIECES
VILLAGERS
WE’LL GET YOU THE STUFF,
COULD YOU TRY TO RECTIFY...
It feels like this can’t get any bigger and is heading to a
climax as friends’ info becomes even more celebratory.
At last, they can all perhaps get back to normal.
VILLAGERS
YOU’LL SAVE THE HEART OF OUR COMMUNITY
WE’RE ALL RELIANT ON YOUR EXPERT FLAIR
BUT MORE THAN ALL OF THAT WE’VE MISSED OUR FRIEND
THERE’S EMOTION IN THE AIR
HELP US TO GRAB THIS OPPORTUNITY
WE’VE GOT ARTS AND CRAFTS THEY’RE BOUND TO ADORE
CAKE STALLS AND DONKEY RIDES WITH GOLDFISH GALORE
AND WE’VE COCONUTS TO SPARE
BARNFIELD
Anyway, Mrs Dumpling, what ‘thing’?
MRS D
It’s called ‘mindfulness’…
THORPE
For six weeks?
MRS D
It doesn’t happen overnight!
BARNFIELD
What is it, exactly?
MRS D
It’s a much better alternative to ‘grin and bear it’, is what it is!
ARKWRIGHT
(Deaf) What’s it called?
MRS D
(Sarcastically) ‘Mind your own business’!
ARKWRIGHT
What did she say?
CRUMP
Mindfulness, I think. (Louder) Mindfulness!
ARKWRIGHT
All right, I’m not deaf! (Pause) What’s that then when it’s at home?
CRUMP
Better than grin and bear it.
ARKWRIGHT
Did she? Good for her. (Walks off muttering)
All the others laugh. Mrs Arkwright stops and turns. They
all stop. She eyes them suspiciously and then continues off.
Villagers bite their lips.
VILLAGERS
WE BELIEVED WE’D EMULATE YOUR MIDAS TOUCH
BUT WE’RE STUMBLING IN THE DARK
NOW RELIEVED TO KNOW YOU MIGHT ADVISE AND SUCH
WE’LL ALL REMARK…
ALWAYS THE HEART OF OUR COMMUNITY
JUST AS THE WORLD WAS FEELING QUITE UNFAIR
UP POP SOLUTIONS WHEN WE LEAST EXPECT
THERE’S AN ANSWER IN THE AIR…
(ANSWER IN THE AIR! ANSWER IN THE AIR!)
We have now moved from village square to garage.
PICTURE THE PENDING STATE OF UNITY
THERE’S A RIGHT BIG SHINDIG HERE TO BE HAD!
WE’LL HAVE A TOAST OR TWO AND DANCE LIKE A DAD
THERE’S EMOTION EVERYWHERE…
FOR THAT WELCOME IN THE AIR.
By now, the elegant Miss Marsh and her terrier, Mr Ardent,
have appeared amongst the revellers. they have been
wheedling their way into the lives of the townsfolk in Mrs
D’s absence with introductory offers in their garage just up the road.
Mr Long, Archie Dumpling’s best friend, is the last to arrive.
MARSH
Some sort of celebration?
HARRY
Oh, hello Miss Marsh, y’r looking nice.
ARDENT
(Childishly excited) What’s happening? Has somebody won the lottery?
CRUMP
Mrs D’s back!
MARSH
Mrs…?
CRUMP
(Delighted) Dumpling. Dumpling’s Petrol. (Suddenly realising) Oh!
ARDENT
I see!
MRS D
Is there a problem?
HARRY
No, they're from the…
MARSH
Vandacamp Garage on the edge of town.
MARSH & ARDENT
(Cheesy slogan voices and 'bunny ears'’)
“We’ll treat you like a champ, when you come to Vandacamp”
Pause
MARSH
(Apologetically) Yeah, still working on that.
CRUMP
(Correcting Miss M) Just to say, it is a village, not a town.
MRS D
I see. Thought I’d gone, did ya’?
ARDENT
Just like you, we’re offering a much-needed service.
MRS D
Oh, I suspect you’re nothing like me at all. What’s it like then?
The villagers want Mrs D to know they've been ok.
CRUMP
There’s fresh brew coffee…
MARSH
Complimentary, of course.
MRS D
Of course.
ARKWRIGHT
And emergency groceries
MRS D
What’s the emergency?
ARKWRIGHT
Well…you weren’t here. You went away.
BARNFIELD
(Apologetically) Sports channel…
ARDENT
Local business hub…
HARRY
Vehicle diagnostic centre…
THORPE
And we all needed petrol.
MARSH
Cheaper petrol.
ARDENT
Considerably.
MRS D
Of course it is - you’re a big boot of a company. And I can be squashed.
THORPE
No, it’s not like that!
MRS D
Is it not? I go away for a minute and y’all act like I’m dead! It’s Archie that’s
gone, not me. I just needed a bit of time to meself, is all. It’s only been six
weeks! So, what now? Is it all gone? Knit & Natter group? Cake Stand
Corner? There’s some folk rely on that fer comp’ny. Did you think of that?
(Pause) I thought you were ma’ friends.
BARNFIELD
We are Mrs D. But you were gone ‘fer…
MRS D
(Stoic) Yep.
CRUMP
Please don’t be like that…
MRS D
I’m fine. Now, you’ve probably all got places to be…
ARDENT
(Nervously handing her a flyer) Our number’s on there if…
MRS D
Thanks. Good to know.
MARSH
Good to meet you at last, Mrs Dumpling. We’ve heard…
MRS D
And you. Bye bye.
Townsfolk are feeling uncomfortable,
like they have beendisloyal to Mrs D and her garage.
Mr Long believes they’vedone nothing wrong.
VILLAGERS
(Edging away) ALWAYS THE HEART OF OUR COMMUNITY.
‘NOT GUILTY’ WHISTLING.
MRS D
You’ve not had much to say for yourself Mr Long.
LONG
I came half way through…
MRS D
I know. I saw you arrive.
LONG
They meant no ill, you know…
MRS D
I know
VILLAGERS
THERE’S A WELCOME IN THE AIR.
‘NOT GUILTY’ WHISTLING.
LONG
We were all torn…but needs must, and all that.
VILLAGERS
AND WE ALL JUST DID WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE
AS THE LAST ONES DISAPPEAR.
LONG
Whole village was…he was my best friend.
MRS D
I know
LONG
(Semi-spoken line) AND THERE’S SADNESS EVERYWHERE
Mr Long goes to leave but instead waits at a distance in case she cracks
MRS D
HOW TO START AGAIN, WITHOUT YOUR LAUGHTER?
EVERY NOW AND THEN YOUR WARM EMBRACE…
WHY DID THE WORLD TURN AND PUNCH ME IN THE FACE?
I’LL FIND THE HEART OF THIS COMMUNITY…
Right. Enough of this, Rosemary Dumpling. Time to put things right.
She turns to go inside and notices Mr Long is still there,
watching her sadly.
LONG
I know you’re upset.
MRS D
Oh, you gave me a start!
LONG
And I don’t blame ya’.
MRS D
Look at you - last to arrive, last to leave.
LONG
I’m sorry I couldn’t take reins while you were away.
MRS D
You know what…? What’s done is done. Ya’ snooze, ya’ lose!
Anyway, how’ve you bin?
LONG
Oh…mustn’t grumble. But yer home now - thank goodness we can all go
back to normal.
MRS D
Not sure I know what normal is any more. But eh, I’ve been right at it
while I were away. I haven’t just been sat on me big fat…
LONG
Mrs Dumpling!
MRS D
(Laughs for the first time) I’ve done everything - accounts, bills, taxes…
LONG
Lumme!
MRS D
…all the things Archie never troubled me with, and by Jiminy there’s a lot
of them!
LONG
It’s never ending in’t it?
MRS D
Yours must be a nightmare!
LONG
Oh, you know…mustn’t grumble…
Mrs D looks like she is about to walk away
MRS D
Well, I’ll get on. Places to go, people -
LONG
(Interrupting her) Please! Mrs Dumpling. Please let me say something first.
MRS D
Must ya’?
LONG
I think it’s important.
She looks resigned.
Look, they may have all been…seduced…by a shiny new service station…
MRS D
That’s a posh word for ‘garage’…
LONG
Oh, it’s a ‘service station’, believe you me. But at th’end o’t day, we needed
petrol! We couldn’t care less about frothy coffee or sports channel…
MRS D
Did you get stupid little biscuit?
LONG
What fer?
MRS D
On saucer of your frothy coffee, was there a funny little biscuit in a plastic pack?
LONG
I think so…
MRS D
And a leafy pattern in t’froth? Like…fern or something?
LONG
(Sensing the olive branch) What’s that about?
MRS D
I know!
LONG
Oh, and…paper cups.
MRS D
(Wide-eyed horror) Eh?!
LONG
I know. Whole village were talking.
MRS D
I’m not surprised. The cheek!
N.B. The next four lines are said over each other.
MRS D
I mean, it’s the very least they…oh -
LONG
More than one refused when they heard -
MRS D
It’s common decency, just common / decency -
LONG
That’s when you realise they just don’t under -
MRS D
(Suddenly breaking the pattern) China! It’s not a lot to ask!
LONG
And a teaspoon, not -
MRS D
Not wooden stirrers?
LONG
Mrs D… Wooden! Stirrers!
Suddenly they both stop, realise how old and strange they
have become and start to howl with laughter.
MRS D
Blimey O’Reilly, listen to us. We’ll be looking forward to queueing at Post
Office next! (Mr Long looks guilty) Oh no, do you -
LONG
(Sheepishly) Yep. Last Thursday o’the month.
MRS D
I’ve not succumbed.
LONG
It’s been mentioned.
MRS D
Has it now? Who’s there then? Spill t’beans!
LONG
Oh, just…those of us with nothing to keep us at home really.
Silence.
Is that what you’re afraid of?
MRS D
Afraid?
LONG
(Kindly) No-one snaps like that in anger.
MRS D
(Ignoring him) I am quite literally all over these papers and documents,
and there’s no stone -
LONG
That’s not what I said. (Pause) I miss him too. Every day.
MRS D
(Immediately) Every minute.
LONG
I keep expecting him to appear and shout ‘Has she not put’kettle on?!’
Small laugh.
MRS D
I ‘ad! I always ‘ad but he was ‘alf deaf and couldn’t ’ear it!
LONG
Half? And the rest!
MRS D
(Gently) Have ya’ bin all right though?
LONG
Oh, you know…
BOTH
…mustn’t grumble!
Warm acknowledgement. Afterwards...
LONG
It’s not everyone’s lucky enough to have had a best mate like that. Is it?
MRS D
I tried so hard those first few days. But every face, every comment was like
torture, so I…
LONG
Needed some time alone?
MRS D
No! Can you believe…? I went looking for him!
#2 A LITTLE BIT OF MAGIC
MRS D
FRIGHTENED, LOST AND RUNNING AWAY
RUNNING SO I’D NEVER RETURN
THEN THOSE VOICES STARTED TO SAY
IF YOU LEAVE NOW, YOU’LL NEVER LEARN
SOON I’M TURNING HEADING TO YOU
SUDDENLY REMEMBERED YOU’RE GONE
NEED SOME SPARK OF STARTING ANEW
THEN YOU SAID ‘ROSIE, WE CARRY ON…
’NOW YOU’RE THERE
SAT IN YOUR OLD COMFY CHAIR
AND I KNOW WHAT I NEED
KNOW WHAT I NEED…
JUST A LITTLE BIT OF MAGIC
ONE SMALL CLUE THAT WE’LL BE OK
A LITTLE BIT OF MAGIC
THAT ALLOWS ME TO GET THROUGH TODAY
AFTER ALL WE INVESTED IN LIVING
ALL WE NEED AND I THINK YOU’LL AGREE
IS A LITTLE BIT OF MAGIC
FOR YOU MISTER LONG AND FOR ME.
LONG
You heard his voice?
MRS D
I felt him there.
LONG
What did you do?
MRS D
What he’d want me to do. I learned.
THINGS THAT I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT
GETTING MY HEAD ROUND WHAT WE BUILT
I CAN DO THIS WITH OR WITHOUT
STUMBLING FORWARD, LOSING THE GUILT
NOW YOU’RE THERE
LETTING ME KNOW YOU’RE AWARE
AND THAT’S ALL THAT I NEED
ALL THAT I NEED
JUST YOUR LITTLE BIT OF MAGIC
SHOW ME HOW TO FIGHT FOR MYSELF
A LITTLE BIT OF MAGIC
AND OUR QUEST WON’T BE LEFT ON THE SHELF
HAVING BOTH LOST A CONSTANT COMPANION
WE DESERVE AND IT’S EASY TO SEE
JUST A LITTLE BIT OF MAGIC
FOR YOU MISTER LONG AND FOR ME.
SO, SO MANY QUESTIONS TO DEAL WITH
OH! ALREADY ANSWERS ARE COMING THROUGH TO ME
YOU SWORE I’D BE STRONG ENOUGH
I’M SURE HOW I BELONG AND I’M
BACK OFF THE FLOOR
STRONGER THAN EVER BEFORE!
WITH THAT LITTLE BIT OF MAGIC
FAMILY, FRIENDS AND FACES GALORE
THAT LITTLE BIT OF MAGIC
AND A VILLAGE I SIMPLY ADORE
AFTER ALL OF THEIR GRACE AND THEIR KINDNESS
THERE IS NOWHERE THAT I’D RATHER BE
IT'S A LITTLE BIT OF MAGIC
AND WE’VE ONLY GOT TO CATCH IT
IT'S A LITTLE BIT OF MAGIC
FOR YOU
MISTER LONG
AND FOR ME
©2026 Rob Dowton & Pete Gallagher. All rights reserved.